I garnished my eyelashes
with mascara and you
were the reason
why my tears were
Painless ways to kill yourself.
i. There is no painless way to kill yourself, someone, somewhere, will feel the pain.
ii. The internet says, “sleeping pills, you will fall asleep and never wake up! You won’t feel a thing!” When that is a lie, your stomach will turn to fire and your throat will fill with the taste of your own stomach acid. You will drown in your own spit. That isn’t even the worst party, it’s when your mother comes home from work. She will walk through the door, and call out your name. She will call and call and there will be no response, maybe you’re in the shower? Maybe you’re asleep? She will walk up the stairs, knock on your door to receive no answer. When she walks in she will see the lifeless body of her baby girl, lying on the floor. Her heart will stop but she will run to you with shaky knees, touching your face that is now still and cold. Her body will be on fire, and her throat will begin to tighten, the sharp pains in her chest will feel like knives in the heart. That image will kill her more than her own death, it will haunt her living years each night. She will no longer be alive, but just as dead as you are now.
iii. Years ago, your father showed you the gun safe he kept in the house in case of emergencies, you knew the pass code, you knew how to shoot and loud, at least you had an idea. They say a bullet to the brain will do the job.. So one night, when your father is fast asleep, you will be down the hallway staring down the mouth of a gun.
One, two, three..
Your father’s heart will jump and his body will follow, the first thing he thinks of is you. He will scream your name and run down the hallway and bang on your door. It’s locked. His knees begin to feel weak as he bruises his body trying to knock down the door, the first sight he see’s in blood splattered on the wall. At that moment his breath began to stop, and his eyes wandered to yours. Still open, but no more life inside your shell. He will drop to his hands and knees and scream why, why, why. There will never be a day he won’t hate himself, for keeping a gun in the house, for not making you happy, for not knowing. He will live a life without a son, live a life with an empty space. Live a life of hurt, and hatred for himself.
iv. You may think that when you’re dead and gone you will not be hurting anyone. You may think when you slide a blade across your wrist, you’re only hurting yourself. Yet I have learned that is not true, it’s not. The person who will find your body, the one who see’s the cuts, their chest will feel tight and they will feel like it was their fault for letting it get this far. The only mark you will be leaving on them is pain, hurt, and the question why? So please note this, there is pain in every suicide attempt, every death, every cut. You are not only hurting your life, but others too. Because you are cared for.
1. If someone treats you badly, never give them the opportunity to again.
2. If they cheat on you, they don’t love you. If they did, they wouldn’t have done something they knew would hurt you.
3. If you do someone wrong, say sorry. That’s all you can do, and if they don’t forgive you, it’s out of your hands. You did all you could.
4. If you regret something you did in the past, remember that it was once something you wanted very much and you can’t change it. So you might as well live with it in a positive way.
5. Just because they’re your family, doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. You aren’t obligated to love or be around your family if they treat you in negative ways.
6. Sometimes you need a day off, so, if you have to, sleep in until 3 o’clock, eat that extra piece of cake, or binge watch your favorite show.
7. If you ever feel like you’re alone, you aren’t. There will always be someone there.
8. Bad days happen. Don’t make rash decisions when these days or times come along. They will keep happening and there is nothing you can do about it, you just have to keep moving forward.
9. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes when we are at our lowest points and that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong for knowing that you need to get out of the rut you’re in.
10. If someone is upset, they don’t want to talk about it, and they tell you to go away, don’t go away. They really want someone to care. It might be hard to talk about at that moment in time, but just sit there with them, don’t touch them and when they’re ready to talk about it, they know you’re there and you’re not leaving anytime soon.
11. Crying is ok. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman. If you don’t cry and let out that sadness or frustration, it’ll come out one way or another, most often in a negative way.
12. Bubble baths will always be calming. It doesn’t matter how old you are, go out and buy some bubble bath and have a nice night.
13. Your body is perfect. It doesn’t matter if you don’t fit into a size one, or if you don’t have a six pack. It doesn’t matter if you fit into a size one, and you’re too muscly. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t think you’re hot, or if she doesn’t. All that matters is self acceptance. If you learn to accept yourself, your body is perfect.
14. Happiness might seem impossible right now. But I said that too, and now, I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.
before you could
do the same
yet I am
the one in bed
1) A boy telling you you’re pretty won’t make you see the beauty in the fullness of your cheeks, in redness of your lips at 2 in the morning when tequila is making the bar bathroom spin. He can’t take away the ugliness that you see in yourself, you have to do that.
2) You have to be ready to hear someone say they love you. You have to be ready, and you have to be willing, and you have to listen. Because sometimes, they won’t say those three words, they’ll put a blanket over you while you’re watching a movie, they’ll kiss your cheek when they think you’re asleep, they’ll smile when they see you first thing in the morning. But you, you have to be willing to see it, feel it, let it in. Letting someone love you takes practice.
3) Don’t make compromises you can’t live with. Compromise is a different version of what you want, not a whole other Universe.
4) Learn to say no. No - to a movie you don’t want to watch; no - to sex you don’t want to have, no- to a relationship that’s driving you mad. Say no - to things that hurt you, to people that extinguish your fire, to jobs you hate and places that are desolate. There are bad things that we can’t control, bad things that happen and we are sucked into and have to feel with every fibre of our being, but the rest - learn to distance yourself, learn to say no.
5) Don’t expect people to walk through fire for you - not your parents, not your friends, not the person you’re in love with. Love doesn’t mean sacrifice, love shouldn’t mean sacrifice. Don’t expect someone to give away pieces of them, so they could fit you better. And don’t feel hurt when they refuse to - it’s self-preservation. Instead - learn from them. Do it as well.
6) Don’t tether yourself to people. Learn to make connections, to love, with both your feet steady on the ground. Learn to let people pass through your life; like a summer breeze, not a storm that’s just been unleashed.
7) Learn the difference between growth and growing up before it’s too late. Rooftops and water fights and ice cream for breakfast can be a part of your life at 10, 25, or 35. But by the time you’re 35 you need to learn to say enough, to be able to walk away, you need to be able to love yourself. Love yourself the way you loved yourself at 10, before the world had a chance to fill your head with ugliness.
Love isn’t about
fucking each other
at any opportunity.
It also isn’t about
how many months
that you’ve been together.
love is about
being able to see light
inside of the person
who knows nothing